An Open Letter to Baton Rouge, Louisiana During Its Time of Python Peril
Dear People of Baton Rouge,
I hear y'all have a snake problem. Cara, a 12-foot yellow python, is on the loose and no one seems to know where this long gal may be.
Much like many, many (many, many) College Football Playoff National Championships, Tuscaloosa has been there--and been there first.
We, too, have had a python-pocalypse. I could be petty and remember the pain of the LSU game in 2019 and be like, "Y'all are on your own here," BUT a) the LSU fan next to me in that tailgate came through with a handle of Jack at what was a very dark time for me and b) the SEC is about family.
Here are a few pointers for dealing with a python on the loose:
Don't try to feed the snake. This will not end well and besides: snakes don't eat corndogs anyway.
Don't try to lure the snake out with treats/etc. Cara isn't going for fifth of Ol' Grandad or an old Joe Burrow jersey.
Don't try to call the snake out. Actually--nevermind. I would pay good money to see Ed Orgeron attempt some sort of snake call.
DO accept your fate: you're never gonna find that snake. Cara has made it to the depths below. She belongs to the sewer now (where you will also find LSU's entire 2020 football season).