Grab a cup of hot chocolate. Put on your coziest pajamas and gather round, my dear ones, as the warmth of this blazing hot take shall sustain thee through the chilliest of wintry nights ahead.


Yeah--I said that. I simp for Ocean Spray. Most people agree with me. Why?

Canned cranberry sauce is the superior holiday condiment. It is sweet without being cloyingly saccharine. It's tasty, tart, and just a jiggly delight.

The can lines help you cut the PERFECT circular slices, which is extremely pleasing to me. You end up with immaculate cranberry circles on your Thanksgiving plate and the entire experience is just

*Chef's Kiss*

I do not want your homemade cranberry chutney. I don't care about your grandmother's recipe that was handwritten with a feather quill on top of Plymouth Rock nine score and 56 years ago.

And don't get me started on the chunky canned sauce, as it is an aberration and a sin against the Lord.

The only thing chunky on Thanksgiving is ME. ME, people. I am the chunky one.

I want to eat myself into a coma with a plate of turkey, dressing, green beans, mashed potatoes, rolls, deviled eggs, and six pony kegs of canned cranberry sauce.

I love those moments when the cranberry sauce mixes with the dressing and you get that sage-berry-sweet-savory combo that has you humming the Hallelujah chorus at the kid's table.

Canned cranberry sauce is the Thanksgiving GOAT. I hope you and yours enjoy several slices this weekend.

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